I have been sick for 2 weeks now, and even though the worst of it is over, I still have not fully recovered. In that stretch of time being feverish & bedridden I watched an enormous amount of NetFlix & Hulu Plus. This gave me a chance to catch-up on NBC’s dramedy Parenthood, my latest guilty pleasure. The two characters that keep me captivated are Sarah (Lauren Graham) & Amber Holt (played by the amazing Mae Whitman), and while I love all the characters (a shout-out to other dynamic mother-daughter duo Christina & Haddie Braverman), I hold a special place for Amber. I really identify with her, everything from her rebellious streak to her artistic sensitivity and teenage maturity. In Season 3, she cut & dyed her hair (causing mainstream America to have a Felicity-type reaction), but I think her new hairdo is kick-ass and brave just like her. Mae Whitman does an amazing job of capturing the many emotional dimensions of this character, and I can only hope that TV-land will have more teenagers like her in the future. For now though, I wanted to kick-start my own new series Inside the Portrait Studio with a portrait of Amber Holt…which simultaneously kick-started the creative anxiety I’ve been carrying around with me.
I have no problem working on illustrations for clients, no matter how high-profile the job, but when it comes to sitting myself down to work on art purely for myself, the anxious frustration roars like a lion. I spent two full days drawing & painting (then re-drawing & re-painting) different portraits until I was at least semi-pleased. I tried so many approaches with Amber and ended up feeling the most happy with the pen & ink (first illustration above), even though I had originally wanted a more painterly portrait.
Somewhere in the middle of trying to capture the awesomeness of Amber, I decided to take a break and dug into my inspirations folder for someone I had less attachment to. I thought this might ease the frustration and help quicken the process. Not the case.
Although this time I was not seeking to copy her face, I still struggled with how I wanted the final product to look. I repainted her face so many times that by the end of it I was most happy with 80% of the paint scraped off of her, leaving a more soft & subtle feel than I had originally started with. Now she reminds me a bit of Lizzie Caplan from Party Down. Too much TV? Maybe. But at least being sick ignited some artistic inspiration.
The truth is, I spend so much of my creative time catering to others, be it illustration, graphic design or pre-press production, that two days working through my own art hardly seems like a great defeat. I need to be less hard on myself and give more room for art-play. How good can we be to our clients if we don’t spend some personal time growing & exploring?
So I’m off to read a book that I ordered awhile ago and has been collecting quite a bit of metaphoric dust: Mastering Creative Anxiety (Eric Maisel, PhD). “This ‘creative anxiety’ can take the form of avoiding the work, declaring it not good enough, or failing to market it — and it can cripple creators for decades, even lifetimes. But Maisel has learned what sets successful creators apart. He shares these strategies here, including artist-specific stress management; how to work despite bruised egos, day jobs, and other inevitable frustrations; and what not to do to deal with anxiety. Implementing these 24 lessons replaces the pain of not creating with the profound rewards of free artistic self-expression.” -Amazon
photography & illustrations © 2012 artsparrow (Andrea Sparacio), except for Mastering Creative Anxiety book covers (© 2011 New World Library)
Art & Fear: Louise Bourgeois.
I have been watching documentaries on NetFlix Instant on two of my favorite passions: food & art. I will spare you the politics of mass food production, but I will share this inspiring segment from Art City (season 1, ep. 3) “A Ruling Passion.” Sitting with Louise Bourgeois in her studio, she shows us how she draws and controls her fears. Being cooped-up and lamenting on my own, I was very moved and decided to do my own interpretation as well (above).